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Trojan’s latest ad campaign has now blinked me into an epileptic fantod, but, in the few seconds before the storm, I managed to realize the stupidity of their new slogan. It reads:

“Evolve One; Evolve All: Use a Condom Every Time”

It’s just damn contradictory, especially out of context. It reminds me of an episode of Friends I watched once where Ross and Rachel are in one room having one of their epic arguments, and the rest of the gang are trapped in a bedroom with no windows. Joey, sensing apocalypse, has prepared by stashing a gigantic box of condoms beneath the bed—”in case we need to repopulate the world,” says he.

Chandler turns to him: “And how would condoms help us re-pro-duce?”

Trojan’s website is cluttered with articles about The Sexual Health Crisis in America. If America has a crisis, what did Uganda have? 

Look, I’m safe, I use them. But every time? Surely you jest, Trojan Man. I don’t know what anyone would have to gain from using a condom every time, except maybe a raw penis trapped inside a shallow grave. That’s no way to live!

About the other crisis in America: I was smart (I guess, maybe “lucky” is more appropriate) and cashed in my chips at the stock exchange, and I don’t have a loan, I don’t pay rent (yet am not living with parents) on a rinky-dink parochial school salary… gas is relatively low, and I’m not getting my head blown off in Iraq.